Cruising
Let’s talk about Cruise Ships. Due to a combination of my dads bucket list, my moms aversion to flying and the general wish of families to occasionally do things together, I’ve found myself on one of those, because the alternative was a very long road trip in a car, interspersed with a long ferry ride.
But the why isn’t important, the experience of the Cruise itself is what I want to write about.
And while there is a lot of complaining in this post, I want to really drive home that the individuals we encountered are really pleasant and earned the hefty tips we gave them. We’re having a great time all in all, but some things prevented us from having the best one, and they could have been easily avoided…
Cruise Ships are big hotels on the sea where they try to extract a lot of money from about 3000 people over two weeks. Some of these pay a lot up front and get a nice cabin with a view and perks, and some pay less money up front, get a dark hole in the bowels of the ship and less perks and pay for every extra.
I’m luckily in the former category right now. We have a „Suite“, a package deal that gets us most drinks and food free, extra ice cream and a butler. (Whose services we’re not really using, because, uh, we don’t need them?)
Still, there are a lot of small and big frustrations about the whole thing:
The ship is big
3000ish passengers, about a 1000 crew, 14 decks, 30ish lifts, corridors, shops, swimming pools, several restaurants, bars…
And it’s a maze.
Not all decks allow you to get all the way from front to back of the ship, the corridors all look alike (although the artwork is very subtly of a different theme for each deck). There are of course no windows in the corridors, and there is no way to easily know if you’re walking towards the front or the back, or on which side of the ship you are. It’s mildly disorienting at best.
There is a constant uncertainty
Breakfast and dinner times vary. The information about what is and what isn’t included in your package deal isn’t clearly spelled out in one place. The website tells you to reserve a spot in the buffet restaurant even though the booked package allows you to go to the „premium“ one whenever you want. You get a table assigned on your board card, but you can actually sit wherever you want.
You get day-to-day information that is hidden in marketing speak and when you ask for clarification, there are five different places you can ask for them, and only one of them actually knows the answer.
There is an app that you can use, but it only fully works when you’re connected to the ship wifi, and not when you’re out on an excursion on land. Also, the quality or precision of the available information varies quite a bit.
And did I mention that some of the restaurants and places have different names depending on time or occasion?
The Upsells
I understand that this ship is a money-extracting machine. And of course Spa treatments or fancy dinners or special drinks cost extra. But we’re eating in the „fancy“ restaurant, where you already get a variety of three course meals included in the package.
It feels pretty cheap when they then have someone walk around with an iPad showing a fancy lobster dinner that you can pre-book for the dinner in two days and ask at every table if they want to upgrade. And then come over with the expensive cocktail menu. Every. Fucking. Day.
On top of that there are lots of ship photographers who’ll try to rope you in to staged and not so staged photography. The results you can buy on paper for a considerable sum for each photograph. In itself nice, but you still constantly find yourself saying no to people who get into your face.
That extends to the activities as well: They are opportunities to sell products.
The staged „experiences“
You know these bartenders that mix cocktails in a theatrical way, then serve them with a flourish? Or those dishes that get prepared to you at the table?
This cruise has a lot of that, except that the people doing it haven’t come up with themselves. Instead, they are painstakingly, obviously, and painfully following a script given to them by someone from high up in the foodchain. And in the restaurant, there are even immediate supervisors who will actively take a hand in correcting or „helping“ them.
Both of these things completely ruin the experience: The server is trying to do their job, having a smile on and trying to do the flourishes „just right“. And then the supervisor comes in and shows them how to cut the cheese.
Worse: You tell the server to please put the pork on a different plate of the group sampler, because food allergies, and then the supervisor swoops in and puts the salami right next to the falafel because „that’s how it is supposed to look!“
People and the entertainment
I get it. Cruise ships are inherently for people-people. And especially for those who don’t have a cabin with a view, entertainment on ship is a thing that is important to have. So there is. Except that all of it is loud and in your face.
Think Bingo nights, group dances, music in bars… all of that is aimed at extroverts and people who don’t mind loud places.
We found one bar (thanks to the server in the Wine Bar, who recommended us to sample the Velvet Underground cocktail in the Sunset Bar) that was small, not too loud, and had interesting cocktails. She also made clear to us that this bar was also included in our particular package, despite what the app said. We had a drink, loved the place, and then head to leave again because our food was ready.
Next day, there was loud music and a person with a microphone cheering on and narrating in painful and scripted detail how one of the cocktails was mixed. Seriously, just turn the music down, and then the four people in the bar actually interested in that could hear the barkeep explain the thing by themselves. But no, corporate had decided that there was to be a script…
Dear cruise line, here’s my recommendation
I’m absolutely aware that they aren’t reading this blog. Maybe I’ll send them a mail. But still, any cruise product manager, here’s my suggestions based on what I experienced myself and have heard from others on this trip:
- Keep in mind the Cruise Newbies That means that they won’t know how to navigate the dozens of bars and restaurants, they won’t know what to do about the safety drill, and when there is rougher than usual seas and the PA system talks about knots, they have no idea if they are in danger or not.
- Have dedicated quiet areas. Yes, these cost valuable space, and can’t be used for upsells. But you’ll have more introvert customers. You know, those who pay money to be left alone, which is a pretty cheap thing to give to them.
- Don’t bury information in niceties. I know, you want to be friendly and all corporate in your communications, but for the important bits, keep to the what, when, where, and who. Best in a bullet list format.
- Make port&starboard sides and stern&aft visually distinctive. Different carpet colours, different wallpaper, and so on. Make it easy to get a feel of a location. People shouldn’t have to look for the next sign to have a feel of where they are. Especially in the interior corridors.
- Make the upsells more subtle. Especially for those that already have paid more than €4k Euros per person to be on the ship. They can probably afford the upsells, but they don’t want to be annoyed over them.
- Make acting on information about food allergies a priority. This isn’t directed at the individual staff people (who generally were good about that), but at the system that obviously isn’t geared at keeping the information at hand. Especially when „stagecraft“ trumps a servers discretion on how to best handle food for a table with known allergies.
- Either upgrade your stagecraft, or ditch it. Most of the service crew were really friendly and competent, but got hampered by the theatrics forced on them. And the interactions with them became a lot more pleasant and also effective, if they weren’t obviously following a script.
- Work on your customer-facing website and app. It’s a pain to log on, information is scattered all about and a lot of the questions my mom asked me weren’t answered at all anywhere, or buried deep. („Is there a hairdryer in the room“ for example. „What exactly is included?“ another.) And don’t get me started on the fact that you cannot do certain things in the app if you aren’t on board. And one day, I got logged out of the app, and when logging back in it informed me that my internal chat will be deleted, because the app was convinced I was on a new device…
- Again: Clear communication instead of flowery corpo speak please! At one point, I got a note that I was invited to link my credit card to my onboard card (which opens the cabin can also be used to pay for stuff onboard). What the note actually meant was „there are port fees you need to pay“, which my partner explained to me when I was about to not just follow the invitation.
- Get better at managing people flows. Generally, this was on point, but a lot of it was impromptu and haphazard. Fine in general, but very annoying if you mix self-confident assholes and polite people pleasers in the same line and expect them to sort things out by themselves. Not cool.
Conclusion
Again, this was all in all a very pleasant experience. But to be honest, my expectations weren’t quite met. Of course it helped that we went to one of my favourite holiday destinations (Iceland), and, again, the staff we personally interacted with were pleasant, friendly and went to lengths trying to make our experience a nice one.
But as so often, systemic forces worked against that, and maybe someone will someday come up with a Cruise concept that will appeal to me :).
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